your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
