I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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