Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
