my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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