Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
