if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
