I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
