smell my finger.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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