I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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