consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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