i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
