Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Swine flu is the new snow day.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
