Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
