is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
