Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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