Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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