In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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