john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
