Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
