I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
They are going to name an STD after you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
