1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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