some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
