I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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