Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
