He disabled his match.com account in front of me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
