Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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