I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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