She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
