I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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