the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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