So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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