why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize