be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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