i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
