woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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