turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
