there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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