I accidentally burped into my bong.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
