I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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