I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
my liver is dry heaving
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
