I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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