My first STD was from a foam party
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
