8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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