I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
