There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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