i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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