If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
