She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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