If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
