just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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