Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize