More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
