Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
