I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
