who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
