I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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